Today “Who Do You Think You Are?” is the title of a hit show that debuted in 2010 on NBC. Each segment follows one celebrity as his ancestry is traced back through the generations. Family secrets, struggles, accomplishments, and scandals are uncovered. The celebrity’s personal journey through their ancestor’s footsteps highlights the heroism in ordinary lives. Without exception, the experience evokes a spiritual depth that transforms their understanding of who they are. It burns an appreciation of the generations of shoulders from which their lives sprouted.

The program is actually a reworking of a BBC show first produced in 2004. Millions of viewers on both sides of the Atlantic tune in to watch every week. Mesmerized by the adventure of the hunt for information, viewers identify with the celebrity. They share the pain of dead ends and the joy of unexpected discoveries. They understand the value and power of knowing one’s personal story.

I found myself with a conflicted reaction as the story unfolded during a recent episode. Empathetic tears welled in response to the celebrity’s visceral reaction to the unfolding story of his family. I experienced an equally strong dose of anger. This wasn’t directed at the concept or this particular actor.

What bothered me? As an adoptive parent, I’m familiar with a common response people have when adoptees voice an interest in learning about their birth heritage or in exploring a reunion with their birth families. The child’s interest is judged to be unnecessary or ungrateful. Some adoptive parents are offended by their child’s need to know and interpret it as an indication that they’ve failed as parents. 

But an adoptee’s interest in knowing their story is not driven by idle curiosity. It’s a soul deep need to know the answers to the questions of their story. It is unfair to judge them for this desire to climb their family tree. For many adoptees, this journey is essential to piecing together the fragmented elements of their life journey. Other adoptees lack this yearning for facts and reconnection. All adoptees must be allowed to follow their hearts and walk their self-designed path to wholeness.

When asked “Who Do You Think You Are?” adoptees share the same answer as non-adopted persons: “I am the sum of all elements of my story—the events and people—who are part of the mosaic of pieces that have become “Me.” I am the product of my experiences, relationships, strivings and dreams. I am an evolving possibility.”

            Just because I can say something doesn’t mean, it’s a good idea to do so. Thoughts I passionately hold don’t require sharing with unbridled emotion. It makes sense to frame them in well-chosen words that invite listening and dialogue. Otherwise, I might as well remain silent.

            I suspect that some speakers/writers compose their exchanges with the intended purpose of inflaming passions, inciting fanatic responses, and polarizing attitudes. This generates a great deal of excitement and frequently garners a great deal of media coverage. But extremism accomplishes little more than deepening the righteousness of entrenched positions.

            Deep listening demands more than sound waves vibrating on ear drums. Effective communication requires both a committed speaker and an engaged listener. The shortest distance to someone’s attention, is to first provide my attention to them. After I genuinely understand the position of another and demonstrate I can articulate their position, they felt HEARD. Then the roles reverse. Now I can expect the same degree of attention and respect which I delivered.

            As we help others to comprehend our stands, to engage with our data and to consider our goals—without alienating audiences—communication results. Perhaps listeners may be converted to a new position, perhaps not. When respect is the dominant tone, partnership becomes possible and everybody benefits.

            Questions I ask myself before expressing a communication:

            What is my purpose for sharing?

            How can attract an audience that genuinely listens?

            How will I invite their full attention so they will feel committed to reciprocate?

            How can I influence the widest audience possible?

            How can I express the point while respecting both myself and my listeners?

 Were blocked like a floodgate, my Muse was on strike

The party was on, other authors had filed

Their stories completed, our editor smiled.

 The presses were printing the holiday pages

Of authors who’d written the wisdom of sages

Their words poignant and inspiring, each hit the mark

While I’m stuck at my keyboard with nary a spark

My heart tarantella-ed and polka-ed and hopped

It thunderous beats drowned all int’resting thought

Deep yoga breaths would have to suffice

To focus my brain and make it play nice

Suddenly to mind an idea started to flash

Some personal memories to share and rehash

 I can tell ‘bout the time our tree split right in half

Determined not to cry, we all sat and we laughed

Or the Christmas our little boy, so terribly sick

After opening each present needed the barf bucket–quick!

Another memorable Christmas in Georgia we woke

To the crackle of tree limbs in a crystalline cloak

 A delight for Floridian kids who’d never seen snow

And a world full of beauty even Disney can’t show.

As the glitter and sparkle of the season shines bright

The reason for this important day of delight’s

Not the presents and gifts we’ve selected with much care

But the spirit of giving and the love that we share.

The favorite foods so lovingly prepared

And the moments together joyfully shared

Are metaphors for the message that counts above all

Of unconditional love expressed in ways large and small

Whether it’s reindeer or flamingos who dance in our heads

As we’re nestled securely in comfortable beds

With visions of skiing on water or in snow

To honor the season it’s essential to know

What’s important in life and who really rates

Your time and attention, forgiveness and grace.

For you and your dear ones, the most perfect gift.

 Health, love and peace are my holiday wish.

            Fast forward through 13 years of marriage when my husband and I climbed aboard the adoption train. Twelve months of rigorous investigation and education concluded joyously—rapturously—with the arrival of our ten-week-old son. We declared him perfect. Our journey as an adoptive family began.Over the years, family life often resembled a demolition derby more than a smooth sail. In it for the long haul, we have never regretted our roller-coaster adventure. Life at full tilt tested our commitment, our souls, and our marriage. Call it destiny, vocation or mission, parenting brought us to our knees with grief and worry and catapulted us with joy, pride and love over victories large and small.

            November brings the Thanksgiving holiday and highlights gratitude in my life. Blessings abound—a place to call home, a job and a paycheck, the comfort of true friendship. It is also National Adoption Month and I wish to acknowledge the gift adoption has been for me.

            I encourage you to consider adoption and how it impacts your own life. Perhaps you have an adopted relative, friend, or co-worker. I invite you to consider becoming an adoptive or foster parent. For thousands of children in Florida, home and family is the most preposterous holiday dream they can invent. The clock is ticking.

            You have the ability to make dreams come true.

In the Information Era, communication occurs in milliseconds. Distance and the time that  it formerly took to traverse, are now moot points. With the click of a mouse and a bit of electronic abracadabra, a message flashes into the world, accessible to all with an e-device.  Passwords operate as the e-version of the secret handshake. The politically disenfranchised world-wide utilize the internet to attract, rally and sustain support. Governments have been toppled, change introduced and people have become co-designers of their future. Medicine and education both rely on the web to deliver services and enhance results.

Much of the activity on the information superhighway is more pedestrian. I surf the ‘net regularly—part research, part relationship building and yes, admittedly— part time-wasting. I’ve noticed a trend. The text to picture ratio has shrunk. Significantly. Headlines on the newsfeed pair with attention grabbing pictures. When I click on them to access “the rest of the story,” the link leads to a series of photos accompanied by brief captions. No elaboration, no intriguing article, no further exposition.  Much of the message is limited to pictures as in pre-literate times. Images side-step specific words to connect directly to the viewer/reader without the constraints of specific words. There’s a commonality of experience that occurs through the metaphoric link.

But the lack of detail has a cost. I miss the nuanced distinction of well chosen words. Discussion flows as ideas are exchanged and the finer points are dissected. Vivid descriptions convey subtle meanings and highlight aspects of the conversation which might go unnoticed. 

Precision creates distinction and elaboration. Sometimes there’s no substitute for that type of accuracy.

A tear drop

            Spills

                        And

                                    Ripples

                        With

            Silent echoes

Joins a stream

            Flows freely

                        Encounters barriers

            Digresses in

New directions

            Energy

                        Released

                                    Without

                        History

            Does the river

Mourn

            Its overflow?

                        Adoption

                                    Conjoined lives

                        Separate

            Perhaps to

Converge

            Again

                        Or not

                                    Forever

                        Connected

            Yet

A part

            Apart.

Bulls and Frogs 

With two recently replaced hips and a body the size of a retired defensive lineman, my brother-in-law lurched into our family room. His ample hips made unintended contact with a prized glass console table. A loud chalk-on-blackboard noise signaled disaster as the thick slab of glass screeched off its fastenings and dropped with a thwack. Hundreds of tiny fragments littered the tile floor.  Each one refracted his embarrassment as he apologized profusely for his bull-in-a-china-shop move.

Although we regretted the loss of a perfectly good table, we were able to laugh at the Keystone Cops scenario. Such indelicate moves are familiar territory with our charming but klutzy relative. A couple of brooms and a sweep with the central vacuum cleaned the mess quickly. My hubby retrieved an old piece of slightly weathered plywood to serve as a temporary table surface until the glass could be repaired. Unattractive but functional.

Six months have passed and that plywood still sits there. Now part of the background, the ratty looking wood no longer catches our attention. Utility has supplanted ugliness as the temporary substitution became the new normal. Purchasing a replacement hasn’t made it to the list of things needing attention.

At breakfast my husband commented on how unattractive it is and we both laughed. Each of us  guestimated how long it will take us until we finally fix it.  Neither of us launched into action.

Another question rose in my mind: to how many things in my life have I become blind? Where am I taking the easy approach and avoiding the hard work of change? An image springs to mind: the proverbial frog in a soup pot who never notices the temperature until he’s cooked alive.  

Time to wake up. Set the alarm . Get conscious and get moving.

            During the last 24 months, our country has been assailed by a confluence of crises: economic meltdown, investment scams, banking failures, massive unemployment, record-breaking weather disasters, international political upheaval and an enduring threat of terrorist activity.  Simply reading the list is daunting. Addressing and solving each of them requires time, money, leadership and individual participation.  Everyone must be part of the solution not just part of the noise.   

            America and Americans are struggling. Yet much of the political energy in this country is being expended on defeating the party in office and ensuring that Obama is a one-term president. The mission has become eliminating his prospects for re-election by undermining, blocking or simply not supporting the president’s ideas. It’s the “unfortunate” price of ousting Democrats. This misplaced emphasis is appalling to me. “Hello!” The cost of this approach is continued crises.  People remain unemployed. Homelessness increases. Do Republicans not realize that the bottom line of this tactic is the expectation that Americans will flounder for four more (now two more) years simply so they can say the Democrats failed and get their turn at bat.

            Our focus should be on committing to the success of proposed solutions so that the country—the people of America— can enjoy the basics of American citizenship: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  We cannot afford this you-against-me approach. Working together for the health of the country is a far superior goal to simply ousting the other party out of office.

            Please, quit blaming and start cooperating. Stop being a Democrat or a Republican and be an American. Those statistics—each of them represents a person, a family, a neighbor. When you consider propositions, imagine your spouse, friend or neighbor’s face as you tell them why this is the best option. Look into their eyes. Do a gut check with your conscience and then choose how you will be part of the solution.

     Five hours have passed and I’m feeling withdrawal. I’m startled to realize I’ve become hooked on a regular pulse of internet fixes. Whether it is to check on friends, to gather information for a project, to post on my blog or to log onto my corporate site I depend on the internet for my connection to the outside world.

     My work—family coaching and writing—is accomplished at home and for the most part in solitude. I am surprised to realize how I’ve come to depend on the web to replenish myself with an infusion of connectivity. The social networks I formerly judged as silly have become a channel for staying in touch with the geographically scattered tribes of which I am a member. In the absence of the proverbial water-cooler, the net has provided me with a virtual coffee-break where I banter, tease, collaborate, intrigue and console.

     As I reflect, this interruption in “virtuality” provides an opportunity to create both a new appreciation and some limitation on my trips on the internet. To traverse the threads of the Web without getting stuck on a hamster wheel of distractions, requires discipline. I’ve decided to add “Cruise Director” to the many hats I wear. Much to my hubby’s chagrin; it’s another unpaid position.

     I know somebody forwarded an e-mail that demonstrates how to cure an “allergy to a paycheck.”  I’ll print it out for St. George as soon as my internet service gets restored.

     After several phone calls, a trip to comcast and installing new equipment, I am reconnected–obviously–and once again speeding down my virtual highway. Checking in, checking up and moving on.